Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
