he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
