Tell her she can't have a vagina
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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