She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
