I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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