anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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