Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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