its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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