Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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