how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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