I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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