chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
