pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
