apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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