we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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