tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
