She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
