And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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