I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
