The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
