i already hear my dad disowning me
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
