Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
