i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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