I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
