Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
