i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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