I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
