Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
