I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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