Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You've changed since you got that strap on
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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