Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
