my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
PANTIES FOUND
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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