i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
