TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
