Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
