birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
