I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
