Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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