Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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