1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this boner is exhausting
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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