I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
