i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
