The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
