I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
