I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
