I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
