Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
