my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Terrible idea I love it
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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