I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
