my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
