at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
