If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
